He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
