why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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