why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
this just has baby written all over it
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
