you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
