Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
