Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
