What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Panties = found
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
