i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
