Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
