Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
