I think I won the penis lottery.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
