totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
pop tarts are not kleenex
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
