he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
