Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
