The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
