We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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