No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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