I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
