What a fucking waste of an outfit
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
