Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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