dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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