watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize