Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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