apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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