I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
