Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize