I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
This is the high leading the old right now
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
