My sheets look like a crime scene.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
