You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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