Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
