I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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