Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I can text with my tongue
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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