forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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