i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize