I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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