It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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