just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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