drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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