i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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