the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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