I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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