I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
