The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
