I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
