My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
