chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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