at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
