Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
