i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
