i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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