Someone shit on the floor
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
