..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
