Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
