so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
